Icarus

I'm going to have to survive through this, aren't I?

I take my words back. I shouldn't have said I like life in its many contrasts. The absence of any notifications on my phone screams at me like silence with fangs that gnaw at the peace you built inside. Your cryptic sentences run through my head like centipedes in metal boots, clanking their feet in the chambers of my brain, contrasted against the absolute certainty of every single word that came from you to me, up until now. The hope that you shall return and I will get to say my piece, my barrage of how-could-yous and you-hurt-mes, contrasted against this gut feeling, that for tonight, you are gone. That I have lost you. We've flown too close to the sun. And the worst part, in between all of this torment, is the feeling that nags me the most.. I just wish I could sleep this nightmare away.

They say that when you aren't fed love with a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives. Lick it off knives I did, until you showed me that I could be fed love without ever having to hold any form of cutlery to start with. Look at me now. Trying to scrape affection from the indent of your presence that remains in this metaphorical chair. Trying to pull an atomic morsel of peace from the shadow you left behind. This, isn't a void. Voids do not have definition. This is absence. This is homelessness.

I am forced to ask. Am I missing something? Maybe the part of my soul that makes people stay? It cannot be just the fact that you want non-chalant and the only thing I had to offer was intensity. Intensity was fine, until you had to go back out into the world again. And now you want non-chalant. You want carefree. And I have none of that in me. Just intensity. And apparently this emptiness. I blame myself. Serves me right for getting too comfortable. Serves me right for saying it out loud that I am not a rebound. Or that you are going to stay. I counted my chickens before the eggs hatched. Serves me right for letting you know I am affected by the things that happen in your life. Nothing like a little bit of attachment to scare the shit out of an avoidant.

Serves me right for feeling. I should have stayed dead inside. It would certainly feel better than whatever it is that I am feeling now.