Placebo

Do you remember the last time you wanted to remember something? The last time you thought about the last time you did something that mattered to you, perhaps. I could write a book full of examples as to how the powers that be have a sense of humor, but, one of them happens to be the fact that you see proof of change being gradual, but when change hits you, it comes like a brick thrown by someone who wants to really throw a brick at you.

Do you remember the last time you were alone with someone? I suppose the only thing that question is, is rhetorical. There's this feeling in being alone with someone that by it's fundamental nature, is very different from being alone by yourself. It's the most unsettling thing that changes how you behave and your true intentions with them come out. It's always about wanting something. What you want. What they want. How it all collides. Where the common ground is. Another reason the powers that be have a sense of humor, is incepting the need in you to want the opposite of what you're getting. Hey, it's the powers that be, maybe I should rephrase and say that the powers that be had the sense of humor to give me the opposite of what I have grown up with and wanting, both then and now. Do you remember the last time you held someone for the last time? Of course you do. I do too. It was 4 AM and time to leave. I was in a room I'd never see again. Do I remember every rushing thought in my head as I was leaving? Of course I do. If there's anything I cared about, it was the feeling of having someone who'd eventually come back to me, irrespective of where or who they had gone to. Do you remember doing destructive things to the world and yourself just to be able to keep someone hell bent on leaving? Do you remember all the things you were ready to give up just to have them around just for a little but, every once in a while, just so that they wont forget you? Do you remember you had something you couldn't keep? Do they remember you any longer?

Things are getting worse if suddenly the people you want to be start exhausting you mentally. Being with them is all that you want but it comes at the cost of being so emotionally drained that you cease to function like an able adult. You go back to the rulebook. The rulebook cannot explain why you're hurt. If anything, you have expectations the world cannot provide. Powers at work, remember? You're tired of not being enough, but you know no one told you you're ever really going to be. This is just a chase. It's another evening of agnosthesia. BAM. Life hit and you were not expecting it. You just wanted to be sad and blame the world but the need for self-awareness pulled a fast one on you.

Mr. Blue, I told you that I love you, please believe me. I have to go now; Darling, don't be angry

Do you remember the first time you heard this song. Weren't you glad you were alone when it happened? Do you remember why it takes losing the best things in your life to make you? Do you remember what happens when you get too close? You sting. You sting like a rose by a rainy window. You sting like a cactus is desert heat. you sting like rubber hitting skin. Hey, I suppose you sting like a porcupine seeking warmth. What stings, must be pricked away. that, is self-preservation.

Do you remember the last time you were forced to look up a word in the dictionary? There's something about people who can do that to you right? Do you remember the last time someone walked into your life like they had already booked reservations at your Highway Inn of an existence? How do they not realize that all the rooms are empty? No one lives here. Woman, aren't you inviting trouble? If you owned a Highway Inn but the highway inn only had room for one patron, how long would you want someone visiting to stay? I have always been the kind to want to someone to stay for as long as possible. I've never contemplated what that could mean.

And that's where the kink in the crux of my understanding of this existence lies. I have accepted that I am like a rest-stop on a journey that people take refuge in when they require. That, is certain. It's either that, this soulmate thing is totally gonna work out someday and I will laugh at this trash-heap of a website. But till now, the gist of life is that your existence is this cosmic rest-stop that people come and co-habit when they require, till they leave.. What you would want, is for them to come and stay. Mine, just happens to be a rest-stop that houses one. Yours, well, more. I never accounted for people that might be like that. My world was always built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you. The assumption has always been that is has to be two people who are undoubtedly complementary to each other.

What is self-preservation, if everything is temporary? Part of moving on means that you're ready to be loved again, ready to find someone who wont hurt you in the ways you dont want to be. But you're just the reader. This isn't about you. This is all about me. And I'm not you. and this will all end. This is simply one of my many attempts in moving on. One of my many attempts to perhaps get a peek at the shadow of redemption. Moving on, for me, has always been find the next person to call home till home falls apart again. but maybe you're not home to start with. maybe this isn't home for you. maybe you're not ready yet to come home yet. You get ruined by people you get awfully close to and the karmic scales somehow balance themselves because you tell yourself you have ruined them too. Maybe redemption starts with finding people who can ruin you and finding the strength to not ruin them in return. This, is my drug of choice. The drowning desire to be loved and wanted and the hope that that people ruining me and leaving will someday balance some cosmic scale that allows me to find someone who really won't. Maybe sometimes people don't want to stay. Maybe they just want to visit often, because they have other place to be. Do you remember the last time you were so lonely you'd be with someone just to have them even if you knew they'd leave? Is this normal now? Do you remember being so dependent on people that it broke you when they weren't around to be with you because they had to be elsewhere? Maybe I don't want to wish any of that on you. You're the porcupine seeking warmth in the company of others. I have been torn over being the porcupine that retreats out of fear of getting stung. But I am not a porcupine. I have been the sorrowful likeness of an animated horse for most of my adult self-aware life, without realizing it. So maybe getting stung is okay because you cannot help it. Maybe it's okay to have some faith in people who aren't yours as long as they don't truly hurt you. Company, as long as it is in good intention, should be welcome, right? They leave and suddenly you're completely alone, all by yourself, but they come back. So. That's good enough, right? Some days, you're not alone. Perhaps this is all you get. Maybe the consequence of chasing people you cannot keep is finding people who visit but won't stay.